Mommy & Daddy - What Is The Function?
The Futureheads - First Day
Youth Movie Soundtrack Strategy - The If Works
Ex-Models - The Idea Of Peter North
Relaxed Muscle - Sexualised
Kenosha / The Black Helicopters / The Tennessee Traincrash demos

 

Hello chaps, my name is Lord Shuteye. Every so often I'll treat you to another installment from my memoirs 'The Japes Of Wrath'. Read on dear friends....

Ah, Summer: the crack of leather on willow, a punt on the lake beneath a firmament enlivened by the Richtofen swoop of swallows, then archery practice on the emerald sward with young Procktaur. Me, in full armour and longbow, he, manfully balancing a Cox's orange pippin on his well trammelled bonce.
Ten minutes later, bidding him adieu at the estate infirmary, I strolled by the West vestibule and chanced upon the Morricone twins, polishing their instruments and packing mosquito nets in advance of the Ilkley Moor Festival.
"Beware the Barguest" I told them. "Stranger things than the Farming Incident prowl the blasted heather."
"Nonsense!" replied Paul, " No mewling mythic hound of Hell can match the ferocity of our magisterial onslaught."
"Perhaps so, dear boy" I rejoined, "but tell me - where languishes the lovely Julia? I need me cavalry twills pressing."
"You're out of luck, old chap." says he," She's preparing for our performance by roaming Otley chevin, playing Kate Bush records on your wind-up gramophone and answering only to the name of Miss Earnshaw."
By the Devil's cod-piece, this was too much!
Since that duplicitous cove Gonzales eloped to Spain, a fellow has had to virtually fend for himself around here. It's dashed undignified!
I stormed at once to my chambers, drafted a letter to the Times, then penned a suitable advertisement for placement in the quality gentleman's quarterlies:
"Impeccably mannered man-servant required for jaded Peer. Must display a working knowledge of the fighting arts, epicurean expertise and familiarity with the treatment of gout. Proficiency in Turkish dancing a positive advantage. Generous stipend. Uniform provided."
Next, there was only one thing for it - I took the unprecedented step of venturing upon the local High Street to acquaint myself with current rates of exchange, vis-à-vis: pounds sterling for combustibles, so as to reassure myself that the lucky candidate wouldn't be lining his greasy pockets to the detriment of the Wrath coffers.
Having secured Bysshe, my faithful charger, to a convenient lamppost, I warily surveyed the emaciated urchins who loitered with studied insouciance against the garishly appointed frontages of the various retail outlets. Any trepidation I might have felt vanished at once. Imagine this, dear reader, if you can: each and every man-jack of them was uniformed in a delightfully comic pastiche of North American track and field wear! Moreover, they further lampooned the affectations of the professional sportsman by continually dribbling prodigious quantities of sputum from their slack and gaping maws. Hilarious! I can only surmise I had had the good fortune to be at large on National Dress Like A Baseball Team Day, or some such.
Thus emboldened and in most excellent spirits, I advanced into the nearest establishment- one which bore the legend JACK FULTON FROZEN FOODS.
Sink me! An entire emporium dedicated to the purveyance of fine sorbets? How simply splendid.
But this was nothing. Incredible though it might sound, it would appear that modern science has harnessed the awesome power of the polar ice cap in the name of meat preservation! Cutlets, chops, steaks - why, even entire fowl were there, ready plucked and encased in jackets of crystallised snow like so many stranded Inuit. And all available for purchase. Surely Coleridge had such a wonder in mind when he penned the immortal lines: "It was a miracle of rare device / A sunny pleasure dome with caves of ice!"
Suffice to say I feasted royally that night, and, as my Kendal Black Drop inspissated above the athenor, I mused upon my good fortune and eagerly anticipated the deluge of applicants for the position of valet.
Just so long as none of the blackguards attend interview in a wretched baseball bonnet...
Tally Ho!
Lord Shuteye

Archive:

Japes Of Wrath - July 05

Japes Of Wrath - July 04

Japes Of Wrath - Apr 04

Japes Of Wrath - Feb04

Japes Of Wrath - Jan 04