|Rene les Flames! on t'stereo:
Mommy & Daddy - What Is The Function?
The Futureheads - First Day
Youth Movie Soundtrack Strategy - The If Works
Ex-Models - The Idea Of Peter North
Relaxed Muscle - Sexualised
Kenosha / The Black Helicopters / The Tennessee Traincrash demos
chaps, my name is Lord Shuteye.
so often I'll treat you to another installment from my memoirs 'The
Japes Of Wrath'. Read on dear friends....
Ah, Summer: the crack of leather on willow, a punt on the
lake beneath a firmament enlivened by the Richtofen swoop of swallows,
then archery practice on the emerald sward with young Procktaur. Me, in
full armour and longbow, he, manfully balancing a Cox's orange pippin
on his well trammelled bonce.
Ten minutes later, bidding him adieu at the estate infirmary, I strolled
by the West vestibule and chanced upon the Morricone twins, polishing
their instruments and packing mosquito nets in advance of the Ilkley Moor
"Beware the Barguest" I told them. "Stranger things than
the Farming Incident prowl the blasted heather."
"Nonsense!" replied Paul, " No mewling mythic hound of
Hell can match the ferocity of our magisterial onslaught."
"Perhaps so, dear boy" I rejoined, "but tell me - where
languishes the lovely Julia? I need me cavalry twills pressing."
"You're out of luck, old chap." says he," She's preparing
for our performance by roaming Otley chevin, playing Kate Bush records
on your wind-up gramophone and answering only to the name of Miss Earnshaw."
By the Devil's cod-piece, this was too much!
Since that duplicitous cove Gonzales eloped to Spain, a fellow has had
to virtually fend for himself around here. It's dashed undignified!
I stormed at once to my chambers, drafted a letter to the Times, then
penned a suitable advertisement for placement in the quality gentleman's
"Impeccably mannered man-servant required for jaded Peer. Must display
a working knowledge of the fighting arts, epicurean expertise and familiarity
with the treatment of gout. Proficiency in Turkish dancing a positive
advantage. Generous stipend. Uniform provided."
Next, there was only one thing for it - I took the unprecedented step
of venturing upon the local High Street to acquaint myself with current
rates of exchange, vis-à-vis: pounds sterling for combustibles,
so as to reassure myself that the lucky candidate wouldn't be lining his
greasy pockets to the detriment of the Wrath coffers.
Having secured Bysshe, my faithful charger, to a convenient lamppost,
I warily surveyed the emaciated urchins who loitered with studied insouciance
against the garishly appointed frontages of the various retail outlets.
Any trepidation I might have felt vanished at once. Imagine this, dear
reader, if you can: each and every man-jack of them was uniformed in a
delightfully comic pastiche of North American track and field wear! Moreover,
they further lampooned the affectations of the professional sportsman
by continually dribbling prodigious quantities of sputum from their slack
and gaping maws. Hilarious! I can only surmise I had had the good fortune
to be at large on National Dress Like A Baseball Team Day, or some such.
Thus emboldened and in most excellent spirits, I advanced into the nearest
establishment- one which bore the legend JACK FULTON FROZEN FOODS.
Sink me! An entire emporium dedicated to the purveyance of fine sorbets?
How simply splendid.
But this was nothing. Incredible though it might sound, it would appear
that modern science has harnessed the awesome power of the polar ice cap
in the name of meat preservation! Cutlets, chops, steaks - why, even entire
fowl were there, ready plucked and encased in jackets of crystallised
snow like so many stranded Inuit. And all available for purchase. Surely
Coleridge had such a wonder in mind when he penned the immortal lines:
"It was a miracle of rare device / A sunny pleasure dome with caves
Suffice to say I feasted royally that night, and, as my Kendal Black Drop
inspissated above the athenor, I mused upon my good fortune and eagerly
anticipated the deluge of applicants for the position of valet.
Just so long as none of the blackguards attend interview in a wretched
Japes Of Wrath - July
Japes Of Wrath - July
Japes Of Wrath - Apr
Japes Of Wrath - Feb04
Japes Of Wrath - Jan